Wedding Bouquet Craze
So recently, I attended a wedding where i was among the bridal train. As a legitimate member of the bridal train…or bus, I decided I had to catch the bouquet.
Okay let me explain why I desperately needed to catch the bouquet.
The wedding morning was a terrible one for me. I had waited for over one hour in the sun with my complete make-up and my impossibly high shoes to get a cab to take me to the venue of the wedding and ontop that, I was charged double the normal fee. When I got to the hotel where I was supposed to join the bride to church, she called me over the phone to tell me she was already in church and the service was about to start…
Bride reaching church before train!
“Move faster, move faster” I screamed to the cab man…(If only I knew the fool was busy doubling up my bill)
When we got there, I threw the 700 naira we agreed at to him and attempted to rush out…
brethren, I nearly chop slap.
He proceeded to call me a couple of names which I cannot repeat.
(All because of wedding, Kilode ? Na me dey marry?)
After an eternity of haggling, I managed to enter into the church.
The church was a mighty Cathedral and I was almost the last person to enter. I contemplated joining the congregation in the pews but the ugly look the bride gave me drove me straight to the front.
Did I mention that I didn’t carry a scarf? (everything on earth conspired against me that day)
The evil look the holy sisters gave me as sooon as they saw my uncovered hair drove me to I dig into my bag to cover my shaggy curls. Let me also add that I carried my low-cut natural hair for the wedding (boy, I was odd)
Well, I finally and found a dirty face wipe in my bag and I plastered it on my head. The bride still hates me (LOL).
Finally the wedding was over and it was time for reception
MC talked and talked and talked, But i was’nt interested, all I wanted was food!
Finally, after an eternity of dry jokes, they began to share the food.
Oya they started sharing to the important people first. I already accepted my fate, I wasn’t important, las las I go still chop.
But after they shared to almost every other person in the hall except the bridesmaids, I knew God was punishing all five of us because of my past sins.
I mean, everybody knows that a party without food is a meeting na
Ah, it was painful, but I maintained sha, I didn’t start fight.
Since I couldnt get food,I decided to take my revenge on the bouquet. I knew I had to catch it. If I could’nt get food, atleast i was going to catch flawa
When it was time for the bride to throw, I positioned myself to receive the anointing. I did a quick physics calculation in my head
I calculated the velocity of the object from the distance of blah blah blah and did small division sef. By the time I was done with this mental work, my findings showed that I was to stand at the left hand side of the bride. And so left I stood.
THE BOUQUET FLEW STRAIGHT INTO MY HANDS
That was when I saw the tigress in the other maids. They quickly wrestled me to the ground and tried to drag away the bouquet to the amusement of the men watching (Bouquet or not, those men had no intentions of getting married soon)
The tigresses wrestled and wrestled and soon enough blood filled their hands.
It was my blood. They had pulled out one of my fingernails clean off my hands.
Everybody calmed down
“Eiyahhhh…sorry…oya take the bouquet”
That was how i took my bouquet while I was rushed to the hospital…
Now five months later, the bouquet is here gathering dust and I’m still without the last fingernail on my left hand.
Next time, i’ll just mind my business and struggle for food instead