I think I’ll be a super-star in hell
There nothing somebody won’t see in Naija o.
The semester exams ended not so long ago, it had been such a stressful period .Mehn a girl need to chill her head in some real fun, before it explodes.
So me and two of my buddies and three cool dudes who were also my course mates planned and set a date for a hang out. Omoh I was jejely looking forward to the date day, and when it finally came, it was the bomb. We had a swell time; we went to one of the hottest hangout spot in town. We swarm, bought BBQ fish and chips and played the truth or dare game, plus there were two tall bottles of vodka to punish anyone who wouldn’t comply with the rules of the game.
Soon after we had relaxed to our fill, we offset the bills and headed for exit. Naturally, since we were three ladies and three dudes, we paired; One girl to one dude. I was holding hands with the guy I was with and we were laughing at silly jokes. It was all fun and heavenly, until we finally exited the chill-out centre and crossed over to the side of the road where we could board a taxi.
Three ladies approached us. (Like the universe was working in the multiples of 3’s that day.LOL) They all carried bibles as big as the tower of Babel. They dressed alike; their heads were wrapped in black suede scarves, they wore white long sleeve shirts and long black skirts. They didn’t wear make-up and earrings. Even before they said a word, I knew why they had walked towards us; they wanted to preach the word of God. Since we were still waiting for a taxi, we might as well be reminded of church stuff and all. That’s what I thought, until these aunties lashed us with the wrath of God.
“Good evening” the one that appeared to be the preacher in charge greeted us, while the other two smiled and nodded. After we returned the greeting, she continued.
“Brothers and sisters, please spare us few minutes of your time, we would love to share the word of God with you.” While she talked, she dipped her hand in a black polythene bag she carried, and fished out her reading glasses. “Let’s open John 3:16. Sister Chinelo please read.”
As sister Chinelo read the popular God love the word scripture, I stared at her fair skin, I imagined how she’d look if she smoked weed. My friends say I have a wild imagination. Can you blame me? I grew up without a sibling to play with; I relied mostly on my imaginary friends. As soon as she was done reading, aunty in charge took over.
“God loves us so much, that is why he sent his son, to die for us on the cross.” Sister Chinelo and the other sister nodded in agreement. “In fact it’s God that orchestrated this event today, he wanted us to meet with you, and share about Jesus. You see, you need to be set apart, for the lord.” Then she pointed at each of us “This boy friend and girl friend thing you young people do these days, is not good. From boyfriend now, you will start pre-marital sex, get pregnant and undergo abortions. And if you don’t give your life to Christ, your soul will waste away in hell. Look at you all, with bright futures, wasting away on the streets in the name of fun. Sisters see how distracting your makeup are, can’t you see that the devil is using you to lure men? You are supposed to reflect the glory of God, not Mary Kay.
Judgement day is coming, and on that day, there is no second chance. Now that you are alive, take the chance. ” She whispered into the other’s sister’s ears.
The other sister was lanky, dark and petite. Her cheek bones were so sharp; it could sharpen a blunt knife. Obviously she had received instructions from aunty in charge, so she proceeded to do her bit.
“You all have heard the word of God. It has been marked in heaven that you have heard from God’s servants today. In that regards, if any of you want to give your lives to Christ, repeat after me.” As she chanted the salvation mantra, none of us repeated after her.
Aunty in charge interrupted “are you all trying to say that you are not sinners? Heed to the righteous warning today. Be warned. Hell is real. Receive Jesus today, else you’d spend eternity gnashing your teeth and weeping in hell. ” she pulled her right ear to demonstrate the severity of the hell situation.
Still, none of us budged. Our ‘spirikoko’ aunties left us, perhaps to look for another person to bring the wrath of God upon.
First off, I was pissed to my bone marrow. I’ve heard lots of people complain that certain evangelist don’t preach the good news anymore, but sick and fearful news. All they did was Judge us scare us and when we didn’t comply, threaten us with hell. Nawa oo if I were an Atheist, I would rather be a superstar in hell than be a follower of the kind of God those preachers painted.
Written By: Venicia Iroakazi
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